thrashtic

I hate this, I hate how your all emo.
And how you think I hate you. I'm sorry im unaproachable. I'm sorry you think i hate you. I reallly dont. I dont like who you are when your not friends with me. Something changed about ME this summer, something inside me. Maybe it's that i lost myself? I dont really know. I used to be confident, now, I want to sink down everytime i see anyone. I wish i could be invisible, and I think im getting better at trying. I was 'popular.' I was friends with everybody, but things change and people grow and people learn to love other people and sometimes, theres nothing left to give anymore. As much as it hurts me to say this, in essence, we aren't friends. Because, friends don't ignore each other. Friends dont walk past each other without even smiling, or noticing. This was supposed to be perfect, but its not. I lost a lot of myself, you were part of me. I don't hate you, except when I'm mad. I dont know what changed in me, but i see the worst in people now. I used to be able to see the best, but I can barely look at anything good. Im negative, and i have bad energy always circling around me. I was unbreakable, and I'm broken. But, I'm to strong to be fixed, you wont read this and you'll never know. I wish i could say i had a problem, but i dont. I'm just full of angst and jealousy and nostalgia. I'm focusing on not being the outcast, and to go back to who i Was. but, I don't need you, and I only want what I need. See the people I've been liking, the people I've been assosiating myself with? theyre not like you, and I hate to be judgemental, but theyre not. I dont know what it is, I'm ready to move on. I'm tired of this, and I dont need you. I'm in this phaze where I only get what i need, and thats the only thing i want. I dont WANT extra friends who I can't even call when I'm sad. We hung out, Once this summer. Fuck.
You and your best friend. We even talked this over. We talked about how, she thought i didnt like her and i thought the same. I'm sorry, I'm giving off this image i cant see in my reflection. I'm not worth your time, I'll only bring you down. I'm like an anchor, Some people walk around with me and flaunt me, like im some kind of accesory for the status I used to have. Now, I dont even want that status. I'm underground and want it to be that way. But just because We dont have any classes, doenst mean you dont have to try still. I still try, i still call you and talk to you and I wish we weren't akward. I miss you.

Shit, you can't leave me now. I've loved you for too long. You are the, most wonderful person i;ve ever met. You're my best friend, and I;m hopelessly devoted to you, I dont know how to show it, and I know these 'feelings' aren't equal. I wish you could talk to me. And iknow you can, i wish you WOULD. I know you think I'm always mad at you, I'm not.
Sometimes your a dick, but I know you to well to take it personally.
You think I, we, try to avoid you, We dont. I miss you, and i Know you arent lost. But even this one week of not being THAT close is killing me. And, weve hung out, nothings changed. Maybe I'm the only one feeling it.
1 on 1.


You, know how I feel. I dont like your new ego boost. This new confidence doesnt make you a better person. It doenst make you more beautiful, or funnier. I'm glad people are seeing the best in you, I've lost all ability. I'm to intense. I miss everything, you have no idea.
You meant more to me then anyone, and even though i seem strong about this, I'm not. Im broken down crying, listening to eye of the hurricane and swing life away and into the ocean. I wish i could be familiar with sadness, i wish i could just cry and not feel guilty, not feel angry. I'm most comfortable with mad, and the color red. In a lot of ways, you are my sister, because, a best friendship like we had is knowing we'll have each other forever, and knowing that we've always had each other, your right, it comes with a high price. and i was willing to have a perfect best friendship in trade for a few lash outs and a few fights. We've had our violent moments, kicking and slapping and actual fighting, I dont believe I've loved anyone more. Your like my sister because i taught you how to use makeup, you taught me how to moderate, I taught you how to swear, you taught me the consequences. You cried at 5th grade continuation because ms duran said dsa might not be ready for you. I was. I cried at 5th grade continuation, because i knew i was about to lose something so perfect. You told me that summer, that, if i hadnt made it into dsa, you would have gone with me to Morey or Hamilton. You told me you would have followed me anywhere. I didnt say it back, i knew that we were going to middle school together and i didnt want to be vaunerable, i didnt want to say that i wouldve followed you too. I remember us getting in a fight because i let my friend use my email i said only you could use.
I remember i got mad because you didnt tell me about act0r_act0r. I remember your elephant pant and stone neclaces stage, you remmeber my wanting to be in a band stage. We've always been different and I;ve always needed your approvle. It hurt me a lot to hear you say you thought my play was weird or whatever you said, It made my happiest for you to tell me i was good earlier this year.
This summer was the best of my life, even if i got drunk, even if you got mad. Nothing can replace salt and pepper shakers at lakeside, or the cyclone, Nothing can replace lakeside. You are always there to me. Nothing can replace talkijng shit about everyone and laughing about everything, Nothing can replace every kind of night, cold and rainy, bright and warm ,everything.
First to see me with my braces on, first to see me with them off. You knew i got into dsa before I did. We were bound together, close than barbwire. no one was going to know our secret. remember the poem? You taught me how to smile with all my teeth and laugh with all my breath,. remember in 4th grade, we'd have dance competitions? Remember how much we sang? I loved you, you loved me. equally. You didnt trust it, i put to much faith into the accident. Remember blue october on repeat while we talked about how much i liked him, how much you wish you had a boyfriend? Do you remember girl scout camp, not the first one. The flying g? We wanted to drive up togehter, we didnt get to. we got there and did the night owl camp. You saw me throw up blood, on the top bunk. We started talking shit, and You found my crying in the bathroooms. We sat there, both of us crying, Promising to take the rest of the week easy. You were there when my favorite color was brihgt orange, even though its always been purple. I cant let things go. You made me a friendship bracelet and i shared my smore with you. The bracelet was so pretty, you accidently got me out of the draw. it was pruple and orange and green and blue. You helped me make lists. I remember reading your diaries. I remember organizing your shelves 2 years ago, i thought they were to messy. I probably still have the emails we sent each other in 5th grade, whati love about you what i hate about you. Your shelves still have a bit of me on them, from that one night, You have my flip flop. Thats 8 years of memories worn onto a soul. remember the girl i met on the bus, sitting next to her sister who was scared. You had nature braded into your girly cut, and your bangs, you irish step danced, and i remember recording it. That recorded. Shit, so much, they day donovan asked you out, the day we rediscovered Ateens, leprochauns. Ive always wanted adventure, to go backwards. The fouton in your computer room has so many fifth grade memories. We stayed up until 3:30, easy, talking about how we were both in love with blake. go read those diaries. Ive speant so much time with you in photobooths, Look at the pictures, look how weve changed. Every day we'd walk on broadway. remember that black shirt i wanted from Chille, and remember crown? and our halloween ideas. Youve supported me in everything Ive done, every lesson ive taken and every step ive made and i hope you feel ive done the same for you. Thank you for the past 5 years, the best of my life. Thank you for teaching me how to grow up, Thank you for learning from me. Nothing should end so suddenly, because we do still need each other. The time in your room two months ago, what if were not friends in highschool, its just so ironic. I want it so bad, and I hope you do too. I said we would be, i was scared of their even being a possibility that we wouldnt be Best friends. remember when we got our moms the same christmas present? the candles, adn we went out with your dad? It was snowy and we speant a long time in the starbucks down town drinking out cinamon hot chocolate. Eating eggs. cathup sugar milk everything in my pantry because we wanted an adventure, Tye dying our socks, which i still wear. Making oatmeal in the bathtub. have i told you i still write about you? I write about you all the time, your always a character in a story, and theres always an image of you in my poetry. I miss you, so much. I want you to come to florida, and I still want to go to fire island when were 16. I want to go to atlantic city when were 21, and i want to go to college in the same state. I remembr you crying on my shoulder the first week we met, telling me how scared you were for your sister, for you. to have kids because what happened. i remember at lizzys birthday party, we clicked. telling stories and secrets under the blankets. Remember sleep walking into Adams bed? and Our first sleep over. On your bunk beds, looking at your glue on stars and cut outs from magazines. When your room was beige. New years in 6th grade, when i wasnt invited to this party, and You invited me to go downtown with you. I felt like things were different, so i lied and said i felt sick and wanted to go home after downtown, You saw right through me and came with me. Remember walking all the way from downtown to my house at 2 am? the fireworks, the drunk men shaking our hands and the pictures. I remember our new years resolution. We became friends again. if one night can repair our broken friendships, then, we can do this again,. We can be Kathleen and Hailey again. Katy and Hailey. Kattle and Hizzle. Remember how cool my red sunglasses were? How i called you from san diego? I was only 8 when i traded my heart for the sea, your in the ocean too. Talking about Max. How much it effectef US. I remember every sleep over weve ever had. Steele bathroom stalls, and Balarat. You running in to see me, and I wanted to talk to you but ms hamilton was watching? You are such a good person, your nice and only want the best for everyone. I miss you. Remember crow canyon, You took Me over your own blood? I taught you how to be a teenager, ive always been 7 months older. You taught me how to remember who i was. We've been through absolutely everything. To certain conditioins, Blatters, Yeast Infections, Diabetes, We face real problems, we still need each other. I broght you back a string bracelet from Chile, and we wore them unitl my dad took it away at a volleyball game. We learned how to babysit together, day before my birthday. Everytime we went swimming, laughin and handstands. Remember, steamboat? my little cousiuns birthday and i wanted YOU there. I chose you over my blood, I still would, My heart still beats for you, other things too. Your heart beats for different things, maybe some of it is still for me? Maybe our heatbeats sitll beat at the same time, sometimes. Remember,. Family life and true i love yous. Lesbians and I think im bi. Our situations never cease to become more complicaterd, but everything makes sense when im with you. Dancing our problesm away. Making cooking videos. Cakes are OUR things. best frineds, best friends, best friends forever, Forever. the word we say to keep us from feeling doubt. Ive helped you with your faimly problems and your social life. Youve helped with mine, Our relatiuonship was give and take, tehres nothing i wouldnt give for you. Im sorry you backed away, i wish you didnt.
If only you knew what our friendship meant to ME. We have this deep ass connection no one can comprehend. I just hope your still there for me. Ive lost every best friend ive ever had, i CANT lose you. These paths were taking, our different, But im not happy with mine unless your in it. I hope you feel the same way.




I cried for an hour, when i wrote that. Straight sadness.






I'm glad you trust me.




Leave me without help lines.